I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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