Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
