On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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