i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
