You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
