he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
