I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
