We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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