I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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