i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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