I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
