ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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