two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
