stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
God, I missed his penis.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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