I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
