I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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