Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
