ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
