Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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