I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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