he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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