i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
