..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
