I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
