My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
