That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
