being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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