she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I need a beard to bite.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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