hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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