I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
