Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
