How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
