I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
