So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
