it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
