I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
