She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
