Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
