he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
