I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I want to have your abortion
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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