I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
