I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
