I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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