You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
