I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
