I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
do herpes really smell.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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