I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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