I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
