I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
