i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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